July 2, 2008 / Sports / Perspective / The Brooklyn Angle

Hot dog heresy?

By Gersh Kuntzman

The Brooklyn Paper

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The Brooklyn Paper / Julie Rosenberg

Former champ Takeru Kobayashi is a mess after falling short by three HDBs.

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Takeru Kobayashi, the six-time world hot-dog-eating champion who lost his crown last July 4 in Coney Island, will try to win back the coveted Mustard Yellow International Belt from Joey Chestnut this Independence Day to compete at the annual Nathan’s frankfest.

But unlike everyone except the reigning champion, Kobayashi is getting his place at the so-called “Table of Champions” without earning it at a regional qualifier.

He’s getting a “sponsor’s exemption,” said George Shea, chairman of Major League Eating, the governing body of all stomach-centric sports.

Shea tried to spin this reporter, but that simply can’t be done. Let’s remember, I have been chronicling the heroic exploits of our nation’s gustatory gladiators since the days when little Joey Chestnut couldn’t even finish one hot dog at a backyard barbecue — and given my wealth of knowledge, I think the whole thing stinks (not the hot dogs themselves, of course; they’re delightful, with a hint of spices and a touch of garlic — I’m talking about Kobayashi’s exemption).

“There is a precedent for this,” Shea said, acting as if he was telling me something I didn’t know (as if, indeed!).

“Libnitz got a ‘sponsor’s exemption’ in 1929 in that famous faceoff against Andrew Rudman,” Shea claimed, referring to Great Depression frank-eating legend, Stan Libnitz and his decade-long rivalry with Rudman.

“Libnitz was in the Ukraine, so he could not compete in a qualifier, so he was allowed in,” Shea said.

The Ukraine? I reminded Shea that the Ukraine was not an independent nation in 1929.

“Did I say ‘the Ukraine?’ I meant to say, ‘the Soviet Union,’” Shea said. “But the larger point is this: Nathan’s has given sponsor’s exemptions in the past, just as, say, Tiger Woods is not asked to qualify for every tournament.”

I might be willing to stomach the idea of a sponsor’s exemption under normal circumstances — but Kobayashi’s very ability to eat is under such a cloud that he might not even be worthy of being at the table at all this year.

Fans remember the specter of Kobayashi’s defeat on July 4, 2007: suffering from severe jawthritis, Kobayashi struggled to eat 63 hot dogs and buns and lost to Chestnut by three HDBs.

The jawthritis condition persists. In fact, Kobayashi has not eaten (competitively, that is) since a Spike TV taping in October.

It was turkey eating, by the way.

“His jaw did seize up on him,” Shea admitted. “He was putting the slices in mouth and not even chewing. It was sad watching a great athlete like that limp his way through a match.”

So why give him a sponsor’s exemption? Why set up the greatest athlete of his generation — a man whose achievements are comparable to Secretariat winning the Belmont by 600 lengths, Michael Jordan leading the Chicago Bulls to a thirty-threepeat, or someone finally running the two-minute mile — for such a tremendous fall?

“The sponsor wants him that — the sponsor believes that it’s not a contest unless Koby is there, and I agree,” Shea said.

Perhaps, but insiders know better: One competitive eater told me that Nathan’s offered to set up a last-minute qualifier for Kobayashi, an easy tune-up where he could down 40 or so HDBs and earn his way to the Table of Champions.

But Kobayashi turned Nathan’s down and opted to go the “sponsor’s exemption” route.

O, how the mighty have fallen — or, in this case, crawlin’.

Contest is one spectacle that doesn’t bite

Fans of competitive eating admire the gustatory gladiators who compete every July 4 at Nathan’s, but the real insiders know that the contest’s straw-hat wearing maestro George Shea is the real attraction.

For three hours before the noon contest even begins, Shea, a Park Slope resident, entertains the crowd with a mix of ballyhoo, one-liners and Existential philosophy.

Here’s a smorgasbord of Shea-speak:

• “They say that competitive eating is the battleground upon which God and Lucifer wage war for men’s souls,” he said last year in a rare moment of understatement.

• “He has eaten 46 hot dogs — one hot dog for every hot dog in 46 hot dogs.”

• “Things can get very confusing during the contest. It’s like Harvey Weinstein, Michael Feinstein and Harvey Fierstein. Really, how are you supposed to figure it out?”

• “He is the David Blaine of the Bowel, Evel Knievel of the alimentary canal, the Houdini of cuisini.”

• “He is a man who understands nuance in a line like, ‘I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy.’ What does that mean? You shot the sheriff, so does it really matter what you didn’t do to the deputy?”

• “His stomach is a cauldron in which food is cooked by the heat of his liver.”

So, sure, Joey Chestnut may down 60 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes on Friday, but without Shea, he’d just be a disgusting spectacle.

©2008 The Brooklyn Paper